


Soft and I Ache

by Reptilesbian



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: God this is so fucking edgy, M/M, also tw for some medical stuff (its vauge cause idk what im talking about lol), i was in a gay yearning mood im gonna gffyddgutdvh uyrvhyrvhutgb, i wrote this at 4 am while listening to strawberry blond on loop and it. Shows, uhhhh tw for suicide mentions nothing graphic ofc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-25
Updated: 2019-06-25
Packaged: 2020-05-19 14:59:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19359316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reptilesbian/pseuds/Reptilesbian
Summary: “Leorio?”“Yes?”“What do I do?”“About what?”“This.”





	Soft and I Ache

**Author's Note:**

> I have a vauge dc arc au where bill finds a way past the bulkhead on the boat to take pika to a fucking doctor after they pass out. Yeah. Its mostly self indulgent.  
> This wasnt originally intended to be so damn sad but im gay and mitski exists so. 
> 
>  
> 
> Xoxoxoxo the title is from strawberry blond mitski because *god*

Thk. Thk. Thk. I can't hear. Thk. Thk. Thk. My head hurts. Thk. Thk. Thk. My vision is getting redder. Thk. Thk. Thk. What did you just say, Bill? Thk. Thk. Thk. A flare of red pain, and then black. Black. Black.

 

My dream swirls with red and spiders and dolphins and babies. It swirls with longing and pining and more pining and sunglasses. My dream longs for simple, calming love. Simple, calming love from a simple, calming someone.

 

Suddenly I'm awake. My head still thumps and throbs, and my vision is still tinted red, but I'm awake. I don't know where I am. I'm lying flat on a slightly cushioned surface, and there's bright white LED lights shining above me. I shift my weight to the right and look. My arm is hooked up to an IV.  _ I'm not sick, am I? _ There's a pale blue paper curtain drawn around me.

 

I sit up. My head spins and my vision goes black, but I recover. I stand. Someone has removed my suit jacket and tie, and my shirt is partially unbuttoned.  _ Who took my jacket? _ I grab the IV to cart around with me in case it's important, and stumble to the edge of the curtain, slightly pulling it back. Oito sits on a hospital bed with Woble cradled in her arms, and Bill stands with his arms crossed talking to… talking to…

 

Leorio.

 

Bill is talking to Leorio.  _ I don’t know where I am.  _ I tread forward, surprised at how much I’m depending on the IV to hold my weight. I’ve only gone a few feet, but I’m already shaking, breathing excessively. Everyone’s looking at me.  _ Leorio’s looking at me… _

 

“Bill, where am I,” it’s not a question, it comes out as a demand of sorts.

 

“We’re on a medical bay on the third floor of the Black Whale. You passed out, do you remember that?” He talks professionally, but I can hear twinges of worry in his voice.

 

“I… yes. Why are we here?”

 

“You didn’t wake up for several hours and I didn’t think it would be safe to call a doctor from the first floor, so I did some investigating and found a way past the bulkhead. I figured I could kill two birds with one stone and get Prince Woble and Oito to safety as well as you, so I taught Oito Zetsu and we snuck through.”

 

“Okay… okay… okay,” I grasp at nothing and topple over, landing splayed on the tile floor. Bill and Leorio rush over to me; Bill offers me his hand while Leorio hesitates.

 

“Kurapika I think you should go back to bed.”

 

“No, no I’m fine Bill. How long was I out?”

 

“Sixteen hours,” as Bill says this grim number, a pang of pain shoots through me.

 

“Sixteen… sixxxx-teen… six…. teen,” I roll the syllables around in my mouth, internally counting, “sixteen….  _ shit _ .”

 

Sixteen hours. What is that, six, maybe seven years? Seven years less to… less to…

 

“Oito turn off Stealth Dolphin. Right now,” my request comes out as a demand.

 

“Oh! Okay, I will.”

 

She does and immediately it feels like a weight is taken off of me. The pressure and strain of Emperor Time is gone, but dread settles in where it sat. Nevertheless, I can fucking  _ breathe  _ now.

 

I stick out my hand towards Bill and he helps me to my feet, “Thank you for bringing me here, Bill.”

 

“Well don't just thank me, thank your doctor too,” Bill gestures toward Leorio, “Leorio Paladiknight, he's the guy who punched Ging on TV.”

 

Leorio finally interjects, “Oh we know each other already!”

 

“Oh you do?”

 

“Yeah, we met at the hunter exam a few years ago and now we're both zodiacs!”

 

I catch myself staring at Leorio’s lips as he speaks. God.

 

I ask Bill if Leorio and I can step into another room to talk alone. He says it’s fine. 

 

“Wait, Kurapika, you don't need this anymore,” Leorio places his hand on my arm--my sleeves have been rolled up--to gently pull the IV out of my arm, and I fucking  _ shudder _ at his touch. I  _ really really _ hope Bill and Oito don't notice. Leorio holds my shoulder as we walk to insure I won't fall again, and I hold my breath, face hot.

 

I've been… thinking about Leorio a lot lately. Thinking about his beautiful brown eyes, his toned arms, his chiseled face, his… lips. I've never really been the introspective type, so I've never done any soul searching to figure out who I, you know… like. But I think seeing Leorio being, well, sexy, is all the soul searching I need. 

 

We walk out the hospital room, across a corridor, and into what looks like a break room. He pulls up two chairs and we sit.

 

“Uh, ah, Leorio, there's something I've been thinking about that I want to tell you,” I grip the chair, avoiding eye contact.

 

“Yeah?” he looks straight at me.

 

“Okay yeah… um… I'm aware… god this is really embarrassing actually,” I'm going to tell him if it kills me first.

 

He laughs good-naturedly, “I promise not to tell anyone unless you want me to, if that makes you feel better.”

 

“Yeah, so, I've been thinking. I've been thinking… ah, I'm aware that you uh, like women,” I'm gradually curling up into a ball in my chair, “but uh, I've realized that I, I've… I've realized that I.”

 

I glance up at him for a moment, melting back into myself. The way he looks at me… he  _ cares  _ about me. But I'm worried non-platonic love does not fester in his warm gaze.

 

“Leorio,” I suck in a deep breath, feeling the pit growing in my stomach, “I love you. Not platonically.”

 

Immediately I regret ever meeting him, putting my head between my knees.  _ I should've killed myself years ago, then I wouldn't have to deal with this _ .

 

“Kurapika,” I watch his feet as he stands and walks two steps to my side. He puts his hand--his big, warm, hand--on my shoulder, and I unconsciously ease into it, rubbing my jaw against his knuckles, shaking nonetheless.

 

“Kurapika… I do too.”

 

I jolt and look up at him in an incredulous state. What. No. I'm an unlovable monster. He can't possibly love me.

 

“No!” I'm suddenly fuming.

 

“What?” He says. I smack his hand off of me.

 

“Leorio you  _ can't _ love  _ me _ !” I reiterate my thoughts, “I'm a mess! I'm stupid and I wanna die, I'm not worthy of love!”

 

He steps in front of me, planting both his hands on my upper arms. I realize I'm not angry anymore, and I'm crying.

 

“Kurapika, I  _ do _ love you. Because you're beautiful and smart and worthy of love.”

 

I don’t know what to say, I really don’t. I’m overwhelmed by the prospect of mutual love, so I just hug him. My knees are still at my chest so it’s awkward and uncomfortable as hell, but he hugs me back.

 

“Leorio?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“What do I do?”

 

“About what?”

 

“This.”

 

“What do you want to do?

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“...”

 

“Why didn’t you tell me before?

 

“Hm?”

 

“That you loved me.”

 

He stops hugging me, and I look up at him, “I guess I was scared too. I didn’t wanna be weird to you.”

 

“Okay.”

 

We exist in awkward silence for a minute or so, finally broken by Leorio, “So, do you want to… date or something?”

 

I suck in a breath, “I don’t know. Maybe we should talk about this later. I’m… overwhelmed right now.”

 

“Yeah. Let’s do that.”

 

I get up and walk to the door without looking at him. When I’m about to leave, Leorio says, “I love you, Kurapika.”

 

I don’t have an ounce of emotion left in me, but I turn, “Yeah… I love you too,” and I leave.

**Author's Note:**

> Sad right? Lol. Dw in this au they eventually sort out their stupid gay feelings i may or may not write that though sfrgdetdgerwdgyrdg
> 
> Im writing another thing for this where kalluto is there because i*lumi is ugly and enby rights. May or may not finish that :wahoorat:
> 
> Xoxoxoxoxoxo follow me on tumble @nblmleopika


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